It’s none of your business!

“What people think about you is none of your business”

I first heard Jamie Smart use the above phrase, and he also told a story about the Buddha which went something like this… 

Buddha was travelling in the company of several other people. One of the travellers begins to test Buddha by responding to anything he has to say with disparaging, insulting, hurtful remarks. Every day for the next three days, this traveller keeps verbally abusing Buddha, calling him a fool, arrogantly ridiculing him in any way he can.

Finally, after three days of this, the rude traveller can stand it no longer! He asks Buddha, “How can you continue to be so kind and loving when all I’ve done for the last three days is dishonour, offend and try to find ways to hurt you? Each time I try to hurt you, you respond in a kind manner? How can this be?!”

The Buddha responded with a question for his fellow traveller, “If someone offers you a gift, and you do not accept that gift, to whom does the gift belong?”

The common thread though my recent articles is about learning to take responsibility for your stress and improving your ability to respond to things happening in your life in a calmer way. To access the previous articles you can go to http://www.nickmeredith.co.uk/blog . In continuing this theme, I would like to cover a common issue that I deal with a lot in private client sessions.

A number of the clients coming to see me with stress or even self-esteem issues regularly torture themselves by imagining and believing what they think or perceive other people are thinking or saying about them. This is often called “mind reading” and can be a key contributor to creating unnecessary stress and misery (which is often a contributing source of insomnia, anxiety or panic attacks)

Examples of what mind readers might think or say are …

“When my back is turned, they start to talk about me” or

“Although she said X, I know she really meant Y and it was directed at me” or

“I could see by the way he looked at me that he thought I was stupid” or

“It wasn’t what she said, it was the way she said it…”.

Left unchallenged by you, these often quickly spiral into a cycle of feeling bad followed by more mind reading and then feeling even worse.

If you are one of these people,  stop it! Or at least ask yourself these questions before you choose to do it.

v  How sure am I that I can truly know anything about what other people are thinking?

      If you are very sure, then it might be worth considering how you can profit from your psychic skills

 

v  How can I possibly know that the person meant it in that way?

Irrespective of whether the person intentionally meant a comment in a negative, positive or indifferent way towards you, it’s down to you to choose to interpret it in a negative, positive or indifferent way. Think about why, in a group of people, you will observe a full range of positive to negative responses o the same news story. In most cases, people are too busy in their own thoughts, getting on with their own lives, to be using their time to think or say negative things about you! This point is particularly important

 

v  How sure am I that when another person makes a certain gesture or looks at me in a certain way, that he/she was intentionally being hurtful towards me?

Contrary to what you think, people don’t always all mean the same thing by using familiar looks or gestures, there is a lot more going on inside them that you don’t know about.

You might initially think you are very sure about your answers to these questions, but how can you really be? The only person who can be close to sure is the person who said the comment or made the look or gesture; and even that is debatable sometimes.

Take a few moments to re-read this article and think about it ! You might start to realise that all of the put downs and insults eventually come from within you rather than from outside you. Owen Fitzpatrick once said to me that “being put down presupposes you must have been up on the first place which seems to me a useful way of looking at things!

If any of this kind of thinking is something that you recognise in yourself then why not liberate yourself from it by politely refusing to accept the “gifts” offered to you – and repeat to yourself: “What other people think about me is none of my business!”

Are you getting enough sleep in the Credit Crunch?

Welcome to my January 2009 newsletter! I’ll jump straight in today…

 

IMPORTANT: Do you want to get more sleep? Do want to fall asleep and stay asleep?

If you are too tired to read on, but curious about how I can help then just click here.

In the last 3 months, the number of people clicking on my “insomnia” and “sleep” web pages has gone through the roof. For me, this comes as no surprise considering what is happening in the economy plus taking into account the current theme of my newsletters i.e. “surviving stress in the credit crunch”. Now here’s the thing, it is well known that when stress and anxiety is more prevalent in your daily life, your sleep patterns can be greatly disturbed. Sleep is one of your basic needs as a human being. Without adequate sleep, you can soon descend into walking zombies with increased grumpiness, anxiety, inability to cope with daily routine and in extreme cases … depression. The opposite also applies, not enough sleep might be the biggest contributor to being stressed.

I am currently in the process of finalising my next hypnosis product, which is specifically designed to help you fall asleep and stay asleep. I have been testing it with a group of my clients, and am getting very positive feedback. It uses some powerful hypnosis techniques to imitate the way in which the mind and body bring about the onset of sleep. In fact, the producer in the recording studio said that he was struggling to stay awake while we recorded it.

If you want to be kept in the loop for when I release this (which is soon), then let me know as soon as possible by clicking on this web link and entering your email address in the fields provided. That way, if you are not interested then I don’t need to bother you anymore.

Here’s the link again http://www.nickmeredith.co.uk/insomnia.html

 

What are you going to do today?

Following on from my last newsletter “taking stock of your things to do”, this month I want to focus on a pragmatic way to choose what you do on a daily and weekly basis in order to be more in control of things (and reduce your stress levels). If you haven’t yet done so, I recommend going back over the last newsletter and completing the “things to do stock take”. This will give you a good, realistic and solid to do list from which to start.

What you place your attention on gets done. Each new day finds many things competing for your attention so it is important to choose wisely how you will use your time. This means purposefully choosing and prioritising what you do.

To get a sense of what I mean, think about what would happen if there was a “free for all” or “first come first served” policy in a queue for the hospital A&E unit. It would lead to total disarray for both patients and staff, and even unnecessary death. It would be the people in the queue who pushed, shoved and shouted the loudest that got served first – and probably not the right people. Instead, the hospitals use a triage system which is based on a few key criteria (like who is closest to death) to decide who gets helped first. And although the odd patient might be left waiting for hours with a painful sprained ankle, he/she will survive and a few people’s lives may have been saved during that time.

I urge you to apply parts of this approach to your own queue of things to do. Here is a good way to do it. The advantage you have over the hospital A&E department is that you have a better idea of the tasks in your queue and therefore you can do your triage proactively.

These 5 steps will help you choose and prioritise your tasks. Do this comprehensively once a week, then review and adjust daily.

1. Decide quickly what you will NOT do this week (What’s NOT IMPORTANT and NOT URGENT?) and put them somewhere so that they can’t compete for your attention. This is very liberating.
2. What items are IMPORTANT and URGENT? Do these FIRST. This will normally help you feel more relaxed because these are generally the pressing actions that are causing your some of your stress.
3. What items are IMPORTANT and NOT URGENT? Do these NEXT and spread them over the coming week. According to Steven Covey (author of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) IMPORTANT and NOT URGENT actions are the most important actions on your to do list and he suggests that this is where you spend most of your time. These are typically the ones that you tend to just keep putting off until it is too late and then cause unnecessary stress again. The more time you focus here in the medium to long term, the less stressful actions you will end up with. Having adopted this approach for a long time myself, I can attest that it works
4. ALWAYS assign slots of time for each task upfront – this helps to form a simple weekly & daily plan – Remember to leave sufficient space for surprise UGRENT unplanned tasks (you will generally always have something that crops up out of nowhere) – but remember to prioritise in the same way before just blindly doing it. Remember the quote from the last newsletter “every time you say yes to something/someone, you say no to everything/everyone else” [Owen Fitzpatrick] 
5. Before starting each task, think about good feeling you will have once you have completed it. This helps create motivation for the tasks (especially mundane ones!). A common reason for not doing something is that you dwell on the need for starting or doing the task rather than what the outcome achieves for you, and this puts you off.

 

My advice to you is to choose to make a habit of this behaviour and notice how much more in control you feel!

Finally, just to let you know, I have also noticed an increase in the number of people contacting me for driving test nerves and post natal depression issues.

If you know anybody who is suffering with either of these, please direct them to the following pages where they can find out some useful information.

 

For driving test nerves,

Tell them to go to http://www.nickmeredith.co.uk/driving-test-nerves.html or even http://www.drive-test-nerves-away.com . I have been getting some good feedback on this product, and have even sold it to some driving instructors in other parts of England. The product is cheap and designed to appeal to people’s common sense. Here are examples of the feedback…

“i was very nervous about my driving test and hoped it would calm me down for the build up . i passed my test because i was so much calmer and relaxed after using the cd a week before and even the morning before my test .. it was excellent”

“It me think about my driving difficulties in a new conscious way, followed by hypnosis”

“My daughter used it and she found it very useful”

“It made me look at the driving test in a way I never had before….. it was really common sense, but before using your product, I never thought to think of it in that way. up till then I had always found myself thinking about failing the test and it never dawned on me to imagine what would happen if I passed the test… i would definitely recommend this to other people”

For Post Natal Depression

Tell them to go to http://www.nickmeredith.com/post-natal-depression.html . I have spent a lot of time creating a web page with useful information about post natal depression and tips on how to deal with it. I want to get the message to women that “it doesn’t have to be this way forever” and “its not your fault” and “you can do something about it”.

 

Until next time

 

Nick

 

PS. You might find these web sites useful;

http://www.nickmeredith.co.uk [My general website for therapy and coaching]

http://www.hypnobirthing-peterborough.co.uk [a powerful ante natal programme for teaching mothers to experience comfortable birth without fear]

http://www.drive-test-nerves-away.co.uk [a cheap hypnosis programme to help remove driving test nerves]

http://www.experience-your-birthright.co.uk [a cheap hypnosis programme to help mothers build the right state of mind to have the most comfortable birth]

Are your new year’s resolutions something that go in one year and out the other?

January can be a busy time for therapists and coaches, and I personally receive many enquiries for help with anything from stopping smoking, motivation to exercise or weight loss. I also sometimes work with people who want to make a change in their life such as changing career or getting a pay rise or even finally deciding to get rid of that phobia for good. Now, it certainly isn’t crucial that you seek assistance from a coach or a therapist to help you with your new year’s resolutions, but it is definitely worth taking into consideration some general coaching principles to help you to set more achievable goals.

As the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, millions of people throughout the world will be setting themselves one or more goals to achieve in the next year (and beyond). The reality is that by mid-day the next day, many of them will have already failed. A lot of the time, this is because they are not following some basic tried and tested techniques for goal setting.

I was recently listening to Raymond Blanc (the celebrity chef) on the radio talking about why he no longer makes New Year’s resolutions. Instead now, he makes resolutions whenever he thinks it is appropriate during any part of the year. This makes a lot of sense to me! This is a much more successful strategy for creating a long lasting habit for continuously setting and achieving smaller and more achievable goals. With this in mind, why wait until New Year, get thinking about one or two goals now, write them down using the process below and then you can enjoy your New Year celebrations even more.

Here is a useful little sequence of steps for you to apply to the creation of each resolution. It is based around the word C.R.E.A.T.E. Each letter refers to a particular aspect of the goal setting process. This technique was originated by Christopher Howard, author of Turning Passions Into Profits.

Let’s say your New Year’s resolution is “I want to lose weight”; a common new year’s resolution! Here is how you would apply it to the CREATE process.

C – CLEAR AND CONCISE

• Make sure you goal is not worded ambiguously – be very specific – Example: “I want to lose weight” is too ambiguous and woolly and needs to be more specific, saying exactly what you will do. It would be better to write “I am going to lose 1 stone”. In fact this is still not the best way to word the goal as you will see later on!

 R-REALISTIC

• Always be realistic. Don’t set yourself up to fail by creating unrealistic, unachievable goals ending in unnecessary guilt or stress. Rather, start with a smaller goal as a means to achieving a higher one. In this example you may be better to set yourself a smaller interim goal of losing some of the 1 stone first, and then setting another similar goal after that: Example: “I am going to lose 6 pounds”. Henry Ford once said “Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs”
• Success breeds success, and having a goal which you know you can achieve will help your motivation immensely. Once you have created a list of successes then think about stretching yourself more as your confidence and experience has increased.

E-ECOLOGICAL

• Simply put, “Is the goal worth doing?”. This is not about being “environmental”, it is deciding whether achieving the goal beneficial for you, for others and the planet?. If you can answer yes to these questions, then you are creating a situation which is ultimately better for everyone.

 A-AS IF NOW

• Always write the goal in the present tense. The mind works better when it has fully imagined something already having happened. In fact your unconscious mind at some level doesn’t recognise the difference between really doing something and imagining having done it? So when you write it in the present tense, you have at some unconscious level already achieved it, and this helps to set a strong mental direction towards the goal. (See a future newsletter for how this works in goal setting)

 T-TIMED and TOWARDS what you want

• It is always important to put a future date or time on your goal - even if it is written in the present tense. Example: “It is 2 months from now, and I have lost 6 pounds….”
• It is very important to choose the wording for the goal as something that you can move TOWARDS rather than away from. To find the right wording for this it helps to ask yourself why you are setting this goal in the first place. For this example, it might be that you ultimately want to drop 3 dress sizes or 3 belt notches on your waist in order to buy a specific clothing item. With the smaller, more realistic goal, this can better just be reduced to first dropping one dress size. In the case, the goal can be reworded as “it is 2 months from now, and I can fit into a new dress which is 1 size smaller than before”.
• Avoid words like “NOT”, “WON’T”, “DON’T”, “STOP”, “TRY” – these just simply keep your mind focussed on the problem. Too understand this, try not thinking about a pink elephant.

E-END STEP / EVIDENCE PROCEDURE

• This is VERY IMPORTANT. It lets you know when you have actually achieved your goal. It can be easily answered by answering the question “How will I know when I have reached my goal?”
• It helps to use the following questions to get the full detail here:

“When I achieve this goal,”

• o “What am I doing? What am I feeling, hearing and seeing? Who is with me? What are they saying? Or thinking?”
• o “How do know I have achieved the goal?”
• o “What is the first thing I will do after I have achieved the goal that I couldn’t do before?”
• o “What did I do to get to this point?”, “What are the 5 key steps I took that made the difference?”
• So an example could be…

“It is 3 months from now, and I am wearing a size X dress / waist. I feel healthier and more confident. I can see myself looking good in the changing room mirror and the clothes fit me better. I hear people that I know complimenting me on how well I have done. I am buying clothes from this shop that I have not been able to buy before. I feel really proud and elated that I have accomplished this and look forward to my next clothing purchase.”

So there you go, what started off as an idea of “I want to lose weight” has now been made more specific and realistic. In addition, you have imagined what it will be like when you achieve the goal and have worded it so as to ensure that you are motivated towards it rather than away from something. A little extra time spent going through this process will pay dividends.

Whether you decide to make New Year’s resolutions or not, you can always use this technique to help you set any goals related to any aspect of your life at any time and notice how it works for you. Have a great Christmas and New Year!

 Covered in next newsletter

In the next newsletter I will address Tip 3: Improve the way in which you choose what to do each day/week/month through prioritisation and delegation – to help you kick start the new year.